We did that.

When my daughter was fifteen months she was going through a small sleep regression. For a few nights she would stand in her crib and scream her head off. This was out of the ordinary, she has been the best sleeper since she was tiny and I like to think my husband and I had a lot to do with it. We set a good sleep foundation, We read the books and put it into practice. Some people think and literally say out loud directly to me… ‘You’re just lucky. Your next will be crazy’ Maybe you psychopath…but we worked hard at it too, and if you don’t give my husband and I credit for every good characteristic of my first born, you’re dead to us. We did this, haha. The work that I put into it, and her fairly relaxed demeanor has my bar high, and my patience low. If she takes more than ten minutes to fall asleep, I am sent into a spiral of anxiety. I am not complaining, I am just saying its made me weak. In my opinion, her routine is of utmost importance, my threshold for a shift in the routine is almost zero, and so far I haven’t had any issues. We rarely need to ‘go with the flow’ or keep her up past her bedtime. People say stuff like, “its nice if she can fall asleep anywhere.” People’s conjecture made me think having her on a strict routine was going to make me less flexible or cool. Her routine is what provides me freedom. Having my baby at a restaurant so I can finish a cocktail is not how I want to spend my free time and the truth is, I let her change my day to day, my entire life, and I love it. I’ve never needed her to sleep in an obscure location, and I’ve never thought, “damn.. I wish she could just sleep in that chair.” Leave the passing out in chairs to my husband on the nights she is with Grandma.

Anyway, for some reason during this sleep ‘regression’, I threw one of those pacifiers with the stuffed animal attached into her crib and she fell right asleep clenching that giraffe like it was all she fucking had and sucking that pacifier like Maggie Simpson. Perfect, that solved my immediate issue and I was back to my regular scheduled Bravo show. It was either a pacifier or I’d hold her until college. Those were the options as I saw them. From fifteen months on, the pacifier has been lovingly called, “Waffe” short for Giraffe in toddler dialect, and a staple in our home. A friend, a comfort item, her favorite thing. I constantly call it by the name she’s given it and walk around the house looking for “Raffe” or “Raffie” sounding like a fucking imbecile. Sort of like when adults refer to the bathroom as ‘potty.’ If I ever say that and a child isn’t present, smack me over the head with a bottle of UV Blue, and make me take a warm pull of it out of water bottle, because I AM NOT AN ADULT at that point.

She’ll be two next month, and before bed the other night I grabbed her pacifier and noticed she had bitten the tip almost completely off. Shit. This was a choking hazard. In that moment, I put my safety hat on and cut the tip off knowing this was going to be a shit show. I wasn’t ready for the tears and this was absolutely not a milestone either of us were ready for, emotionally. Societal pressure and the potential dental catastrophe sat in the back of my mind. She cannot have a pacifier anymore, now is the time. I only have enough bandwidth to mentally prepare for one set of braces. We aren’t going to be one of those families who has to do the whole set twice, not on my fucking watch and definitely not on my dime. I didn’t have time to explain, it was bed time, she was already over tired. Our usual nighttime routine commenced and continued through the tears, she would look look at her giraffe and chuck it across the room, then scream for it hoping her biggest fear wasn’t actually true. She sobbed in her crib for over thirty minutes and I walked in and picked her up. She sat in my lap and was calm, we read one more book and I placed her back in her crib upon her request. In the presence of others, she was fine. It was when she was alone with her thoughts that the heartbreak hit. After I turned the knob on her door, and walked out of her room, I grabbed my keys and yelled to my husband, “going to Target.” I pulled into the parking lot and ran into the store during a torrential downpour, walked to the baby aisle, grabbed a giraffe wubbanub, looked at the new Ulta section, picked up a Morphe eye pallet and left. I left the store with an easy out and a gift for me. When I came back home, she was still awake but silent, literally twiddling her thumbs. Eventually she fell asleep. I threw her her giraffe’s understudy, recently purchased from Target, into my closet hoping he didn’t need to steal the show during a 2am dramatic reenactment of a few hours prior.

The next morning, I was expecting a child who forgot. Forgot the heartbreak, forgot about her giraffe issues, and was ready for a new day. Instead I walked into her room, she rustled about, saw that I was in there, and sadly said, ‘waffe paci fall out’ trying to fight back tears. I told her Giraffe grows with her, and Giraffe knew she was ready for the pacifier to fall off. I explained that as we get bigger, things change and we have to let go so we can have lots of time for more fun things. We talked about other fun things she was going to do that day. As she started to cheer up, we left for daycare. She asked to bring her giraffe in the car and she held onto it the whole ride there. We arrived at daycare, she put it in the cup holder of her car seat and said, ‘bye bye waffe, paci fall off’ and asked me to pick her up. I walked her to the door and she gave me the biggest hug, her mood was solemn or maybe mine was and she was completely normal. I left daycare drop off a crying mess. Her emotion was something I’ve felt before, and watching her go through it was worse than I imagined. Her reaction was true sadness and no drama. I don’t stick my foot in my mouth about parenting, often. I didn’t have big claims of things i would *NEVER* do. I have a few, but nothing has blown my mind except for the emotional attachment I feel to her reasonable emotions. I always thought moms were crazy for feeling deeply saddened by literally nothing. The joke is on me.

My husband and I picked her up from daycare since we had plans after. I asked about her giraffe since I wanted an open line of communication and a sense of preparedness as we approached bedtime. Without missing a beat she said, “mom cut paci off,” not mad, not sad, just matter of fact. My sympathy immediately turned to defensiveness, “I cut it off and it probably saved your life, it was a choking hazard.” She went to bed that night, and didn’t give a shit about her giraffe.

There is no moral or theme here. I don’t have an uplifting message, I just felt like writing this story. But my parting words are as follows: Maybe my words got her through, maybe she decided distraction by daycare was the best medicine. Either my words or my checkbook, my husband and I are still responsible for impeccable coping mechanisms which is another great characteristic of my first born. We did that.


Post Pandemic Bucket List – Suburb Edition

I think about ‘next summer’ a lot. Hoping each outing isn’t a contemplated decision where I need to remember every individual I came in contact with on any given day in case they need to be alerted of possible COVID exposure. I can’t wait for a time where I don’t need to justify every in-person interaction, or forget to put on my mask at daycare drop-off and hope the person behind me doesn’t think I’m wildly irresponsible when in reality, I didn’t even realize until I was in the car. These are my own insecurities, I get it. Until then, I’ll dream of my bucket list. Each item ready to be checked off, and a step toward another NeW nOrMaL. Below are a few items from my bucket list, the suburb edition.

1. Go to Chili’s: Listen, the restaurant experience is one I thoroughly enjoy. I love a new trendy spot with a menu item that is the talk of the town, a beautiful bar and fancy drinks. I’ll pay $12 for a spicy margarita, I don’t give a shit. Restaurants are mini vacations, and I’m a goddamn tourist.

However, it is the chain restaurant that welcomes me home. It is the chain restaurant that understands I’m flat broke after my voyage into the city for a culinary experience and now I’m just looking for two entrees, one kids meal, a pint of beer and the bill to be at my table before I even ask. The chain restaurant understands the parking situation necessary for a mom who thinks she’s too cool for a van, but looks at automatic sliding doors and questions the futuristic vision of the Yukon and it’s creators. The chain restaurant runs like a well oiled machine, the food is mediocre but it is consistent, and when you have a child who rather eat plain ketchup over an award winning…anything, you choose a restaurant who pours salt on some beef, cooks it, freezes it, microwaves it, and calls it an ultimate burger for $10.99.

We’ll walk inside and it will be jam packed. I’ll think to myself, who the fuck is eating at a Chili’s? I’ll walk to the host stand, “two adults, one high chair” (no clue when babies stop using high chairs, so assuming Dylan will be in a high chair? Otherwise ‘one booster seat’). The host will say that the wait is about 15 minutes, and hand me one of those buzzers. Dan and I will walk with Dylan to the bar (can babies be in the bar area?) I’ve forgotten all rules, but I will do whatever I want until I get yelled at. We’ll shuffle our way to the bar, its packed because we live in a suburb and the options are limited. 2020 is a passing thought, and I am happy to be rubbing shoulders with strange people. We get drinks, and our buzzer rings, it is in Dylan’s mouth when it starts buzzing. We hand it over to the host stand (wiped off of course, I didn’t forget everything from the pandemic) and are seated at the table. They give Dylan a paper menu and crayon’s and she goes bananas. The waiter will come up to the table, He’ll be way too excited and recite the longest list of specials, we’ll decline and he will finally begin to take our order, he’ll say, “we’ll start with MOM” and that is a moment I’ve been waiting for. Followed by “and dad,” Dan will order chicken crispers with honey mustard, and I’ll order some sort of smokehouse combo, because I’m still unsure what kind of food Chili’s specializes in. We’ll eat, pay our bill totaling $30, and on our way out see our neighbor we barely interact with in the cul de sac but feel obligated to say hello when out at a restaurant.

2. Become friends with my neighbors (i.e. the one I saw at Chili’s) : I love seeing the inside of people’s homes and during the pandemic I feel like that’s been a huge miss for me. I guess I didn’t know my neighbors pre-pandemic, but I’ll become friends with them post pandemic, I promise. We don’t live in one of those new cookie cutter neighborhoods, but we live in one of those older cookie cutter neighborhoods, and I think that’s actually more exciting. Like how have you decorated your 90s oak kitchen? I want to see who painted their oak cabinets white with silver hardware, and compare how their original windows are holding up. I want to ask questions like “is that the original deck?” and then tell you how much mine cost because I’m still appalled and also definitely bragging because ours is composite. I can’t wait until someone tells me their plans to stain their deck one weekend, and I’ll say, “oh you don’t have composite?” Like they are absolute losers! Hah! Do any of our neighbors still have accordion closet doors, because we do, and I’m looking for new ideas. I’m here for inspiration and ease. Nothing like a quick walk down the block for some small talk and a beer out of someone else’s refrigerator. We’d be hanging out on the deck, and I’d go inside to use the restroom. No need to tell me where it is, mine’s in the same spot!

3. Join community theatre: Truly, I’ve been dying to be in a play. Something about the idea of declining an invite for “rehearsal” thrills me. “Oh I’m sorry, that’s opening night and I’m ‘woman #3!’ I can’t get past the audition though and I certainly can’t sing. Not even a note, so it definitely can’t be a musical. How often is play practice for community theatre? I can only make it once, maybe twice a week if I’m the lead and, certainly, I’d be the lead. I have a lot of caveats and not much action, but I swear to god, the second the curtain is lifted on the pandemic a star will be born! Well I sure hope so anyway, it would depend on the play. Last time I looked they were doing a play called “Tina’s purple purse” (or something not even close to that but it was about a mouse and purse). My debut onto the small stage isn’t going to be a play about a mouse, I can promise you that. I’m passionate about this bucket list item but like all my passions, not passionate enough to play a talking animal (unless animated, obviously). Anyway, I’ll invite you all to opening night, we’ll have an after party at Chili’s and you can meet my new “cast” friends. We’ll have inside jokes that happened at dress rehearsal and laugh at lines we forgot and improvised. I’ll probably take myself too seriously after my foray into community theatre, but that’s showbiz.

Each day I feel closer to my post pandemic dreams. Until then, I’ll place my orders to go, wave to my neighbors as I drive by in my car, and prepare my audition monologue. Cheers to us post pandemic, it’s gonna be wild. By wild, I definitely just mean, the same as before but with hand sanitizer and a touch of gratitude for a few months at least.

The past couple of weeks.

I haven’t been writing. Well, let me rephrase that, I haven’t been writing anything worth sharing. Life has been moving on, with its fair share of funny Dan stories. I can’t remember any of them at the moment, but I’m hopeful for 2021- I think it’s gonna be hilarious (for me, at home). In the meantime, I’ll recap my past couple of weeks. Usually I wouldn’t post my time recap in blog form, but I just read a post the other day and I think the weekend recaps are more entertaining during the pandemic. Like wtf are you doing to keep yourself entertained when you can’t go anywhere. Now that is interesting. I assure you, I have no creatives ideas or ways to fill your time, just sarcastic comments about the everyday.

I had the entire week of Christmas off. It was super jam packed of activities. I had a few shows to watch and roughly three presents to wrap. Understandably, I needed to wind down so one of the nights I had two margaritas and woke up with a gnarley hangover and an absurd amount of anxiety. I decided to TaKe iT eAsY for the subsequent days that followed, didn’t want to get too overwhelmed with all my ✨cHrIsTmAs PLAnS✨

On Christmas Day, Dylan spiked a fever of 104/105. Cool cool coool. She’s fine, right? Babies just get fevers this high because they are little, right? I actually stayed pretty calm even though she was literally ON FIRE (cue jack jack from the Incredibles making himself light on fire). The next night the same thing happened, so I brought her in. The doctor tested for strep throat which was negative and did a COVID test. I brought her home, and she had a fever again but seemed, generally, fine.

Forty-eight hours after the doctor’s appointment, I get a call from Phyllis from the MN Dept of Health (MDH) doing a COVID-19 tracing call. I guess Dylan has COVID, the fever was reducing and the symptoms were subsiding. It was a blessing in disguise to receive the results after the symptoms were generally gone. I would have been a mess, otherwise. I felt anxious, guilty, frustrated, annoyed, and scared. To be fair, at this point I still hadn’t received physical results from my clinic. Just Phyllis’s word and a COVID case number sent via email from her Rose International email address. Rose International is the third party that was hired by the MDH which I found while Googling. At first glance, I was truly confused because I watch Schitts Creek and was convinced I’ve been given fake COVID results from Moira as part of an upcoming musical comedy to be performed by the Jazzagals. Anyway, after some research and the realization Moira was not involved, I went on to answer Phyllis’s tracking questions, including: Has Dylan been prison in the last 14 days?” & “Can we mark the address listed as a COVID positive address (these are my words not hers).” I asked Phyllis if my home counted as a prison? We laughed at my obvious joke, and I assured her, Dylan hasn’t been convicted of any serious crimes. I was fairly concerned about the MHD marking my home as a ‘COVID positive’ house. Would someone be arresting us? Would I get a scarlett C+ spray painted on my garage door? The ramifications of such a marking swirled in my head but Phyllis assured me it was a virtual notation for first responders should we need an ambulance. Dylan nor I has been arrested since the call, but I’ve made myself an easy target and I somehow feel like a criminal. Probably, in part, because we single handily shut down our daycare room. I hope the parents whose children are in the same room as us feel some relief as their child isn’t being bitten by my child for the time being. Not for long though, she’s coming back at full strength and she’s hasn’t seen other humans besides her parents for too long.

My husband and I are exhausted, clawing at the same walls that have so graciously kept us and others safe. Although filled with gratitude and perspective, as I build my emotional intelligence, I’ll admit this: I have my five senses (they haven’t been stripped by COVID) but I am losing my damn mind. I am extremely self aware and understand that we are quarantined for a short time period, how others are suffering immensely and I just have to stay home. I get it. But how many days in a row can I stick pipe cleaners in a water bottle and call it an activity? I guess as many as it takes Haha. Some parts of the day we’ve been thriving. Sledding, playing outside, and having dance parties. While she was sick, she even watched ten minutes of tv with me. At one point we made edible paint out of Greek yogurt and food coloring and she didn’t paint a single stroke. She shoved every last drop into her mouth or near it.

I know I won’t remember the chaos over the past couple of weeks, the anxiety I felt, the guilt, the nights she never fucking slept, the mind numbing task of reading the same book over and over, and the endless meals she threw on the floor. I’ll only remember her signing “more” after each run down our small sledding hill, the huge hugs, and the adorable giggles. She’ll ask me, “mom, was it scary when I got COVID?” And I’ll LUCKILY be able to say… “oh, a little bit but we had so much fun.”

Subconsciously, I’ll definitely remember it all though. Every step back into my home will send shivers up my spine for some time.

Nineteen Ninety Eight

What was it like to be an adult in the late 90s? Also, what was it like to raise a child in the late 90s? That had to be nice, right? Were things *easier?* The current decade allows for many conveniences, but do they outweigh the bad? I can’t decide. Toddler moms of decades past say things like, “oh, it wasn’t so different.” Honestly, I have a hard time believing that, the information overload kills me and there are a lot of rules. Did you know you’re not supposed to give kids Orajel anymore? Haha, maybe you knew.. I didn’t. Well, until a *concerned* mom told someone else in a Facebook group.

I am not ONLY talking about being a mother in the 90s as a collective society, either. I’m also referring to me, specifically. Who would my husband, Dan, and I be without social media throughout extremely formative years, without smart phones, Google, and social media. Growing up sitting in inflatable chairs purchased from Limited Too certainly had a butterfly effect on my entire human existence. Who would I be without that experience? What would my job be? Would I have had a child at 25 because Instagram wasn’t around to convince me I should be traveling? What kind of mom would I be without Pinterest. How the hell would I know the latest superfoods? How would I be marketed to if there wasn’t an algorithm. Would I even know the term, algorithm?

Although the alternate reality where I am an adult in 1998 will never be known, let me paint an evening for you, because that’s what I like to do in my spare time. I think of fiction scenarios based on real life events, and if there’s an argument, I always win.

Dan and I are 30, Dylan is 1 but the year is 1998. To preface this, I was actually 8 in 1998 and my only memories include watching Toy Story, going to basketball practice, and slicking back my ponytail tight. I loved Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and so badly wanted braces. I have no clue if all my references are right, but if you feel like fact checking- please, go right ahead, Karen.

Dan sits down on the couch grabbing the remote control. He points it towards our entertainment system and clicks ‘power on,’ a laugh track fills the room, as Ray Ramono’s voice is heard throughout the main level and into the kitchen. “Can you turn that down?” I yell to Dan sitting on the couch. I prepare dinner while Dylan is on the kitchen floor next to me. She’s drinking kool-aid out of a bottle, and playing with an old Beanie Baby.

I have my hands in a bowl of ground beef trying to mix in random ingredients while simultaneously reading the notecard my mom hand wrote her meatloaf recipe on, in between step 1 and step 2, I ask Dan, “hey, this weekend, we should send Dylan to your parents so we can start to paint that main wall three shades darker. I’d love a feature wall in here and think it will give the room a Tuscan feel.” He continues to nod along, but isn’t actually listening.

Once dinner is prepared we sit down at the table, the news is now on providing a low buzz of background noise. “Mark McGwire hits his 70th home run of the season,” reports the man on NBC who is wearing a ridiculously large suit. The home run race of the MLB season keeps us excited while the Clinton scandal keeps us on our toes. We continue to eat dinner, discussing Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Bill, and Monica. Halfway into dinner, the phone rings, I get up to answer, “Hello?” “Good evening Ma’am, this is Blockbuster video, your rental, ‘Saving Private Ryan’ is two days overdue, Thank you.” I hang up the phone, and turn to the dinner table with a furrowed brow and a sharp tongue.

Dan, I TOLD you “Saving Private Ryan” is a new release, so its a two day rental. Where is it?” Dan looks up from his meal, confused and calm.”I don’t know, probably in the VCR?” “Can you drop it off at Blockbuster after dinner?” I angrily ask.

As I am clearing out plates from the table, Dan is in the family room. I see him walk up to the VCR, bend over so he’s eye level with the shelf it sits on, flip the VCR flap up revealing the film in the player. He closes it, and starts shuffling the other videos sitting nearby. I lift Dylan out of her highchair and place her on the floor, she runs to her Fisher Price red barn and grabs a plastic cow, she bangs it on the side of the coffee table as Dan steps around her looking for the VHS. He can’t find it. “Is it downstairs?” I ask. He bends down to look under the coffee table and says “No… I didn’t bring it downstairs.” Adding the late fees in my head, I remind Dan sarcastically, “you could easily buy an iMac with the late fees you’ve paid Blockbuster!” He scoffed while trying to outwit me, “I’ll never need an Apple product…”

As the evening progresses we drop the subject, I put Dylan to bed, and retire to my bedroom. I turn on my Panasonic and ‘Saving Private Ryan’ starts playing. I close my eyes and sigh, remembering two evenings before when I fell asleep before barely getting into the movie. I removed it from the VCR downstairs after Dan had watched it. I get out of bed, and grab the video, embarrassed, and continue down the stairs to the kitchen looking for Dan to apologize. Once I arrive on the main level, he isn’t there. He must be in the basement. Although this is a lesson in humility, it doesn’t have to be. I walk over to the family room, and bend down. I open the plastic roof of Dylan’s Fisher Price red barn, and place the VHS to “find” in the morning while we play. As I return upstairs, lay back down in my bed, I turn on my tv and laugh at my sneaky solution.

The next morning, I walk downstairs. Dan and Dylan are playing in the family room. Dylan is picking up her toy animals and placing them in front of the toy barn, Dan peaks in the red barn and pulls out Saving Private Ryan with an annoyed look on his face. Internally, I realize I am wrong, but when harmless plans are executed, I am not one to ruin them with small details. He turns to me and says, “Kara, I found the movie.. apparently Dylan hid it.” I respond casually, never admitting my mistake, “thanks, will you return it today?” He answers, “Yea- I’ll leave in a bit.” After a small pause he adds, “Hey! Imagine if you could always pull movies out of a magic Redbox..”

Raising Dads – Part 3: a Random Weekday Evening.

This is an excerpt of a random weekday evening. Its a peak into the mundane arguments we have, and the ordinary process of our nights. I wrote this the night it happened and just read it back to my husband, Dan. We were both laughing as we remembered the events and he is still standing by his initial opinion outlined below.

Dinner is over. I look at my daughter, Dylan, she’s sitting in her high chair moving her hand from left to right as fast as she can making a windshield wiping motion. She’s done eating and if I want to avoid all her leftovers from hitting the floor, I have to act fast. I somehow consistently remain unprepared for this constant occurrence. I stand up, walk over to grab the washcloth on the kitchen island ten feet from our meal and run back to wipe Dylan’s hands and face, abruptly, stopping her after dinner ritual. I take her out of the high chair and am holding her.

Dan asks, “when you were going to get the rag, why didn’t you bring your plate to the sink? It was on the way.”

I stand with my eyes wide open and pause for a moment comprehending what he asked and wondering if I heard him right? I set Dylan down on the ground, and she takes off. After careful thought and consideration, I react. Dylan is at the fridge trying to shove her Melissa and Doug brand wood magnets into her mouth, and I ask him, “oh I’m sorry, does my process not make sense to you? What? Is it out of order?” He responds, “you never grab your plate, so I always have to.”

Dan is task driven, efficient, an executor, and is a modern day Danny Tanner. The ship he runs is a Special Operations Craft with rules in place and a specific task to complete. If you step out of line you threaten the task at hand and the safety of the ship. The ship I run is one of those booze cruise pirate ship excursions in Mexico. It’s laid back, easy going, but still adheres to a schedule. We are headed in a general direction, I am responsible for the people on board, but there are drinks served. There are pros and cons to each. Dan will accomplish a mission efficiently, correctly, and relax later. I will accomplish a mission in the time allotted, missing a detail, but we will have fun doing it.

The night continues and we discuss priorities. I explain my priority is always our child and while I appreciate a clean kitchen the timeline of when it gets done can be flexible. He acknowledged my thought and ensured me that he agreed. We left that night with the following understanding: Clean baby followed by clean kitchen.

Fast forward two nights.

Dinner is over, and Dylan’s nighttime routine commences. Dan is done eating and stands up from his chair to grab her. She holds up both hands showing us her palms and then the back of her hand, signing “all done”. She starts screeching while windshield wiping her high chair tray. Tonight there is a rag already at the table, a proactive task in which Dan has completed and I am mildly impressed. Dan lifts Dylan out of her chair, and puts her on the ground, while he asks, “Can you come get her?” She looks up at me with avocado covered hands and food stuck to her pants. He takes the rag and starts to wipe up her high chair, I’m grinning and say, “Are you serious?” Dylan is standing near his leg trying to eat the pieces of food she previously threw on the floor. The high chair tray is spotless and he’s completed the first task on the checklist in HIS head but overlooking the tiny green avocado monster who stands at our feet. He starts laughing as self awareness washes over him, he bends down and wipes Dylan’s hands and face. He stands up, and I ask, “No, why didn’t you bring your plate to the sink?”

Five Pre-Pandemic Parenting Assumptions

Below is a brief list of Parenting Assumptions I made pre-pandemic. Well, you know what they say about people who assume...

1. I assumed parenting would involve more time out of the house. I dreamt of brunches at my favorite cafe in St. Paul, The French Hen Cafe. I’d sit and drink a mimosa, and Dylan would make a mess. I’d pretend to clean up after her hoping the server would swing by with a broom and relieve me of my duty. I’d say, “I’m so sorry about this mess” and she’d say, “not to worry” with a big smile on her face when in reality she was thinking… ‘why do people bring babies out to eat?’ We would take a family picture and post it to Instagram and everyone would think, ‘she has it TOGETHER!’ Dan and I would get into the car, and I’d look at him and say, “lets never leave the house again.”

Instead, Dan or myself prepares meals while Dylan screams.

2. I assumed we would go on vacation by now. I wanted to experience a treacherous plane ride. I wanted to regale Dylan about the first time she experienced TRUE leisure as an infant. I think fondly about the parent I thought I would be, but never got a chance to be. I had high hopes of being a mommy travel blogger. You know the one… I’d wear a monochromatic camel outfit and strut my expensive stroller through an unknown land. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME, COVID TOOK THAT FROM ME!

3. I assumed we’d have a giant FIRST birthday party. It was going to be a Groovy ONE theme and I’d invite all my friends. We’d wear hippie attire, and drink all night. I’d put on the invitation, “Please donate to the charity of [my] choice”, knowing that you would bring the host (me) alcohol instead. I’d stock my wine fridge, and be set for the winter.

Instead, I bought this single balloon and we ate Costco cake.

4. I assumed I could take Dylan to target without anxiety. We would stroll the aisles while she looked at the colors in awe. I’d show her the home section, and we would laugh and she would inevitably cry. Dylan would eat the cart and I wouldn’t care, because ‘germs are good and they help build an immune system.’ Women would come up to me and tell me how cute she is, they’d ask “how old?” (Such a stupid question, who cares? I always ask it too, but why?) and I’d say “she just turned one” and they’d say “is she walking?” and I would respond with “she’s wobbling” or something equally as dumb. Dylan and I would continue our expedition into the joys of consumerism as we moved on to the pajama aisle.

5. I assumed I’d be less concerned with a runny nose. I recently emailed Dylan’s pediatrician with the subject line: Runny Nose – Day 250 followed by a detailed entry of the highs and lows of the past 250 days. I remember the days of rational thought, and I think about them often. Lately, they’ve been replaced with a fear based mindset and absolute positivity we’ve contracted the virus at any sight of a minor symptom.

Instead, I send my doctor anxiety driven questions.

Here’s to many more years of making an ass out of you and me!

Raising Dads: Part 2 – The first few weeks

Although I’ve categorized this blog post as a Raising Dad’s segment, please note how Dan isn’t mentioned as much. Its on purpose. I did the heavy lifting here, and I won’t let him forget it.

Since giving birth, I bring up how I had a natural labor in casual conversations with strangers. I act like I’m the hero this world was waiting for. People say, “there’s no trophy for dealing with the pain…” Yes there is, Joan. It’s called eternal glory and you wouldn’t understand.

I have a lifetime left of unarguable proof that I am the superior partner. Well, as long as Dan never mentions my extreme reaction to LASIK, a small surgery that everyone said was absolutely painless, but I thought would end my life. Still, 10/10 recommend.

After an uneventful hospital stay, Dan and I packed up our tiny stranger and headed home. The first few weeks at home are filled with doting eyes, everyone is telling you, “enjoy those snuggles.” I’d happily give onlookers what they wanted and say “oh isn’t she just perfect?” Meanwhile, Dan and I are standing in the kitchen with a crying baby asking each other, “what have we done?” and I’m texting my mom, “If I leave in the night, don’t come looking. I’ve headed west and I found my old life in a new place.”

Please note, these feelings did not last long and were explained in detail to my midwife. If you experience these feelings after the initial “baby blues” window, I encourage you to speak to a professional.

As nighttime approached, so did our anxiety. What would the night bring? Any ounce of sleep was immediately interrupted by a sudden jolt to the entire body and either Dan or I frantically looking around the bed searching for our swaddled infant. She was sleeping soundly in the bassinet. The second I fell back asleep, it was time for her to eat.

I was breastfeeding and lactation consultants told me not to pump or substitute a feeding with a bottle (just at first), my supply needed to stabilize and the baby might get nipple confusion. I am still puzzled by that logic… newborns don’t know they are a separate human being, they actually think they are still part of their mother. I was somehow convinced my baby wasn’t capable of discerning she was her own self, but she was smart enough to identify a bottle and this would make her ~cOnFuSeD~. If your baby did in fact experience nipple confusion, sorry for my joke. You must have a genius on your hands and God bless you. I wasn’t so lucky. I’d wake up with the baby in the middle of the night and was exhausted. I’d look over at Dan sleeping peacefully and fill with rage. I’d shuffle loudly, turn on the light and remind him in the morning what an ass he was for sleeping and allowing me to breastfeed and he didn’t EVEN try to stop me. He took the outlandish criticism in stride but also tried to join in my misery and say, “I didn’t sleep very well either.” Are you kidding me? I continued to take the middle of the night feedings for leverage. I often remind him, “Dan, remember how much I did when she was a newborn?” It’s called delayed gratification people…and its a life skill.

Every morning the sun would rise, and I’d breathe a sigh of relief. The world was awake, and we made it. Dylan was a fussy newborn and required me to constantly bounce her while sitting on an exercise ball being worn like a baby kangaroo. Dan would come home from work and I’d immediately hand her over and say “she likes to be bounced.” He’d take her and do anything except my suggestion. Good call Dan, your strong man arms and masculine demeanor will likely calm her right down. Did you learn that while reading, The Expectant Father? He would always tell me that he needed to learn his own way. I was anxious and in fight or flight and he was trying to figure out a solution to a problem I had already solved. Watching him guess his way through the first few weeks was hilarious, adorable, and painful. It’d take everything in me to not correct him or make an alternate suggestion.

Days were passing, although in the moment, I was fairly certain time had stopped. We were adjusting, and everyday was getting more enjoyable. The highlight of my week was a Target trip (similar to the entire year ahead of me). I’d slowly stroll the aisles in between feeding sessions looking for hints of the past and when I finally approached checkout,

Cashier: “How are you today?”

Me: “Speaking of natural labors..”

Cashier: “Who’s speaking of labor?”

Me: “Well now that you mention it…”

Raising Dads: Part 1

When I became pregnant people always said to me, “I wish people would have told me (insert terrifying event here) about pregnancy. I was JUST trying to get through my day without falling asleep or throwing up while simultaneously trying to not have a panic attack as I counted kicks (apparently you should feel ten baby kicks in a two hour time period at least once a day… or something like that). A practice our mothers likely didn’t know about and a byproduct of modern medical research that fueled my anxiety, albeit has also saved lives. I’d find myself continually in conversations with women where’d I’d say “wow, what a wild 36 hour induction…” as I calmly told her what a great mom she is and a panicked version of myself got into my car, headed to the nearest drive through and cried into a large fry that was chased with a Zantac (obviously pre-recall, meh… maybe not. Either way, it was a top three survival item in my first 17 weeks).

Meanwhile… my husband, Dan, was moving through life like nothing had changed. A tiny human was giving me a complete overhaul of my mind, body, and spirit and my husband was excited because he had a designated driver for almost a year. He’s a supportive partner, always, but he didn’t fully understand, how could he? I had to teach him.

Welcome to Raising Dads, Part 1. A series of stories from a mom raising a baby and also watching her husband become a dad. We are making the same transition many of you have, I’m just documenting it from my point of view. It takes a village they say, but I guess I didn’t realize I’d be responsible to teach the village. 

I’ve never been one to suffer in silence and I’m not subtle. Life is not fair… but I’ll sure as hell see to it that you understand that. I think the strategy of stoic women is admirable, but that’s not me…I prefer the dramatics. I’d dramatically complain about my pregnancy symptoms and the constant anxiety that I was feeling. I complained about my acid reflux, my hip pain, and the overall lack of sleep. I continued to google solutions and was providing real time updates to Dan. Eventually, you could tell that he had realized that he had the easy way out and he purchased the book “The Expectant Father,” likely as a peace offering of some kind. It was his way of saying “I see you. I’ll put in some work too.” In addition to buying the book he also asked one of his pregnant coworkers what the best pregnancy pillow was and purchased it for me. Below is Dan making sure the pillow is adequate for his uncomfortable wife.

The Expectant Father takes you through each step of pregnancy and how you can be helpful to your partner. I thought “how sweet!” I love when men order a book and we are absolutely moved to tears. The amount of books I’ve read and research I’ve completed on every facet of pregnancy and newborn life makes his paperback purchase comical. In all fairness, he was at every appointment with me, and picked up the slack that I couldn’t stay awake to complete. I recently asked Dan if he read any of the book, and he laughed and said “I flipped to the week you were at in the pregnancy, read that section and never picked it up again.” 

Pregnancy continued on whether we were versed in it or not and we were getting excited?… haha well, we were at least getting ready. He’d continue to ask questions about certain baby related situations, my favorite being “I wonder if I’ll like our daughter as much as I love the cat…” A worthy fear, Dan… or “why are we buying this car seat?” I picked a car seat that came highly recommended after reading approximately ONE Facebook post. My research lacked actual data, but someone else surely had reviewed further If they were recommending on a Facebook post… right? Haha. Assuming Dan was referring to the price point in his line of questioning, I snapped back and said, “I’m rewarding myself for a job well done so far during pregnancy !” Through a series of not so subtle hints, and a constant reminder of the medical marvel that I was, “sorry, I was busy growing eyes today… was there something else I should be doing?” Dan got less curious about surface level parenting topics, & no longer had questions on the baby items that I “needed.” Basically, at this point, we were ready to excel at raising a child. 

Finally, after a long nine months, on a walk a week before my due date, my water broke. We were a half mile from home, and Dan said, “so now what do we do?”

A phrase that would hilariously foreshadow the future.